Another week gone, and I feel like I have nothing to show for it. Yes, I got in touch with my tutor, yes, I took a couple of tests — but other than that I feel like it’s been a bust.
I watched a video the other night that really stuck with me about expectations and ADHD. The gist of it was that people hold themselves to standards they would never apply to anyone else and crap all over themselves with bad self talk. And yeah, I totally do that.
Now I’m all right at some things when it comes to adulting — I manage a budget, keep my home pretty clean, generally go out bathed and clean, etc. But I still look down on my accomplishments because I’m “behind” all my peers with no mortgage, no kids, no steady job and all that. I don’t want any of those things per se, but there is a part of my brain that tells me that I’m a failure because my life was so different than most of my peers.
And it’s the same sort of thing I was talking with my therapist about as well — when you get to the bottom, I don’t value myself very much. I strive for contentment rather than happiness. I avoid emotional highs and lows. I keep most people at arms length, because if they got to know me, they would see I have no value. And that’s a sad way to live.
I’m tired of being tired. I’m overwhelmed by the constant chaos of the last few years, the lengths the GQP will go to in order to maintain power, the stupidity of maskholes and the complete lack of awareness of “patriots”. I’m tired of math being difficult, of grad students who can’t teach, and how spread out the campus is of my uni. I’m tired of feeling like I’m behind all the time. There is no “catching up”— just a recognition that things are not the same and never will be.