So just before Covid hit in March, I was in the same situation I find myself in now — anticipating my formal conversion to Judaism after a long and weird path to get here that involved exes, mental health ups and downs and a lot of navel gazing about the nature of G-d, religion and what I do and don’t actually believe in and can live with.
TL;DR I came out and decided on the conservative movement — all the religious law, less of the right wing self loathing, OCD tendencies and rebbe worship with bonus egalitarianism and queer acceptance.
I’m still not sure what I actually believe — Torah is not the literal word of G-d, not for me at any rate, but 5000 years of identity and culture have value and meaning to me and work as a framework I can build with — which is I think what matters. My entire adult identity has been built around being Jewish in one way or another. I simply couldn’t face the idea of NOT being Jewish, it’s such a part of me.
But I’m not sure where I fit in, either. I know what to do at a shul, (certainly orthodox or conservative, reform do things a bit differently) at someone’s house for dinner, I can open a book the right way, read out loud (if slowly and a bit hesitantly) and keep up with what is going on in another language. But after all these years I don’t feel literate in Judaism in a lot of ways.
Sure I can dress the part and give a dvar Torah on the parsha — but what defines actual Jewishness? Is it cultural and religious familiarity, observance, “belief”— or some individual combination score of the three? Do we all have little Jewish numbers over our heads like Sims, our scores constantly shifting according to where we are stronger or weaker at any given moment — both a mood ring and and SAT score in one? Where/when do you acquire it? Does it come from the years of study and going to shul, does it come from the moment when you immerse in the mikvah? Or say the bracha? Or 30 years later when your grandkids are having their Bx Mitzvahs and you’re spending a fortune on tefillin and Chumash with Rashi sets for the next 5 years? What if you’re single? Or don’t have grandkids?
Mind you, I love my community and the wide variety of people in it. And on a *feels* level I’m already Jewish in that respect — I’ve spent the last 26 years being actively Jewish vs not quite 2 having to learn a new minhag and philosophy, I don’t worry if I am “Jewish enough” in that respect that converts often do. But there is always a sort of question of Jewishness if you’re a convert that is just part of the deal. You have papers and a name that marks you out as a convert. Depending on who you convert with and what their standards are, there will always be people who will not accept your conversion, even an orthodox one because there are differing interpretations of what it means to be committed to Judaism. I will probably average out over my lifetime as orthodox in practice (davening, kashrut, Shabbat) and accepted by about 75% of American Jews as Jewish. Israel is a whole other matter entirely. I would be allowed to make aliyah, and become a citizen with (almost) full rights, but I would not have the right to marry under the state religious authorities (only orthodoxy confers that and allows only Religious cis/het marriage everyone else has destination weddings or civil unions) nor could I be buried in an orthodox cemetery there, which is about 90% of them in the country. So it’s never 100%
I didn’t learn to read well, and went to shuls where speed mattered more than clarity — so I can’t actually lead a service, just participate in one. I didn’t have a formal Jewish education, so I can get turned around on who did what where, or why we hold one position over another and where to find those arguments in the Talmud, though I am slowly learning it now at the dizzying speed of a page a day — which really is too fast.
This is something I will be doing over and over again for the rest of my life so I’m investing in the books now — about $1600 worth, but they are bilingual, well translated modern editions with illustrations and commentaries from generations of scholars and look pretty impressive on a shelf. We just started Pesach which is going to be interesting, and I’m already like a week behind, so that’s probably a project for this weekend. And assuming I don’t drop dead in the next 6 and a quarter years or so, I will have actually read through them once.
I’m also still not sure on day to day observance, either. Before covid I was davening every day and generally being a good boy, and then the universe went kind of sideways. I could tell the rabbis I was doing the right thing, even if I ate pork rinds and delayed keeping kosher. Now, I keep kosher and don’t daven, and Shabbat is… marked, but it’s not as frum as I thought I would fall out in the end. And I have a feeling I’m just going to be one of those people who goes through cycles of observance — sometimes I will daven, sometimes I won’t. But I keep kosher and don’t generally eat out, I do keep Shabbat in many ways — avoiding social media, planning so I don’t have to do schoolwork, not working on Shabbat or taking jobs/classes that require it, looking at grad school in Israel, getting errands done so I can spend the day anyway I choose at home with everything I need at hand, preparing food in advance, lighting candles and making the brachas, tuning into services on zoom.
So as I’m facing the Bais Din (rabbinical court) next week, I’m not sure what to think. At this point it pretty much seems like a formality in a lot of ways, but I still have to convince 2 strangers I don’t know that it’s worth letting me into the family in a little over a week from now. I have an entire lifetime of Jewish “cred”— it’s not like I don’t know how to be Jewish, and I’m not a complete heretic, just sort of one. Probably enough of one that I shouldn’t be a rabbi, though. Things like keeping kosher and going to shul matter to me, and learning Talmud matters to me as frustrated as I get with it, and I don’t see that changing. I just might not put on tefillin every day. And I think I am ok with that for the most part. I hope they will be as well.
And I have to be prepared for a lot of probably rude personal questions about being trans and gay as well. Not necessarily insulting — just awkward and involving talking about genitals — my genitals — with non medical professionals, though I have already had the hatafat dam brit (ritual poke in the junk) as required by Jewish law for men. Which was done over a zoom call, which was weird in and of itself. The rabbi didn’t watch or anything, but it was still weird. So weird.
And let’s talk about the completely fitting (and gross) perfectly kosher (still gross) and unique Louisiana mikvah adventure I will have, immersing off the swim platform of a boat in Lake Pontchartrain naked under a thin tunic in midwinter and coming out with a fresh Jewish soul and a nice diesel film. There’s a certain hashgachah pratis (Divine Providence) about it, since I did spend so many years on boats it’s kind of a personal touch for me. But it’s also a bayou in midwinter — that’s going to be instant ear infections again. Once we all go in and get showered and changed we’ll head back to Metarie for coffee and kosher beignets, because Jews and food are a thing.
I’m a bit bummed I’m not getting the whole mikvah experience I expected, with you know — privacy and warm water and kind it being “my” day rather than sharing it with other people — but I think I’m glad this phase of it will be over at last. Did I want to be a “hot Chani” for a day? I don’t know, really, I hadn’t given that much thought until just now. I think I just wanted a more private, ritual experience — where there is a whole chest deep pool of clean warm water in a place I associate with holiness and purity having had normal mikvah use before.
TL;DR — I can start to overlook the religious persecution holiday that Chanukah actually is and just remember it as the crazy holiday I converted — where I talked about my junk and sex life with strangers, hopped on a boat with more strangers, skinny dipped off the back end in a bayou, prayed in another language, congratulated (and probably toasted) each other, and went and had donuts in New Orleans. Because that is both Southern and Jewish as anything else out there.