It’s been a week. School has been rough this week with a lot of midterms, I have a speech due on Sunday, and the High Holy Day season is still going on. I’m holiday’d out.
Monday I had a geology exam. Tuesday a history exam. Wednesday is a cram day for another history test on Thursday (that has been postponed, because we are doing a zoom class!) Friday I have to record my speech, and I’m still researching it and not ready to record.
EDIT (FRIDAY) So the hurricane came, and we had to bug out to Mum’s house — lost the carport on the trailer and decided that was enough. Speech has been postponed to next Sunday due date due to the storm. Nigel and I are fine, Roomie is at a friends, we will check out the damage once it all blows over. Mum lost the gazebo in the back yard, but we are all ok.
Now, to be fair, I am doing well at school. I have an A in most classes, and the one I think is not an A is a high B, I got an 86 on the midterm and A for all the homework. I’ve managed to keep myself on track despite weird sleep patterns and not being the most self directed person. I’ve had a covid scare, multiple hurricanes, I moved out of my Mum’s house with a roomie I don’t know very well, went back to school after 20 years — it’s been a wild ride since August, along with the hellscape that is politics in America right now.
But I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have this nagging anxiety that everything is going *too* well, and any second it’s going to spin out of control. I know some of it is due to a delay in my medication because I was in quarantine, and stress, and just plain old bad tapes playing in my head. And I am working with my therapist every week to stay afloat, and I can see that I have been holding the course despite the storms.
I feel like I don’t deserve for things to go well. I’ve delayed applying for a student job in my department partially because I’ve been so busy and partially because I might actually get it — and then what happens? I will probably lose my SNAP and some of my SSDI income by having a job, even a part time one — and what if that turns out to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back? Archaeology is hard work, even part time. I keep telling myself I can make contacts that will last a lifetime and get real experience, so I will know if I want to continue on this path through grad school — but the “what ifs” are eating me alive.
My Mum did say she was really proud of me though, and that’s something. She really balked at the idea of going back to school as a waste of time and that I would fail, but has kind of turned that around with my grades being good and me managing my time and life balance as well as I have so far.
On the downside — my brother may be getting out of prison, and coming to live with Mum. He’s a redneck, trump loving dysfunctional human being who thinks therapy is a waste of time and has addiction issues. He went to prison because he’s stupid, not because he’s inherently a criminal — but we don’t get along at all being polar opposites. I know for a fact he’s going to make Mum miserable, and he’s hard to be around. He calls on a daily basis to whine about how unfair it is he is in prison, and I’m literally not allowed to let him know I’m at the house when he calls or he hangs up in a snit. On the plus side, he’s a felon, so he can’t vote anymore. But I know he is going to run her ragged with petty bullshit and drama and she doesn’t deserve that. I’m just thankful I moved out, because the 3 of us in a house together would be hell on earth.
I got my mail in ballot today, so I will fill that out and put it in the post this week. As usual there are offices where no Democratic candidates are running — I skip those races rather than vote for a Republican. And I’m really worried that things will not go well this election, despite trump’s tanking numbers and stepping on his own dick in his golf shoes. But as a gay, disabled, anxiety ridden trans Jew, my rights are on the line in more ways than one.
Also? Mum is voting for trump. I’ve tried to show her facts, I’ve tried to convince her to go third party, or even just skip that race, but she’s made up her mind — if there’s an R, they get a vote. So that sucks. And given the deep red nature of this state along with the usual southern voter suppression, my state most likely will go to the mango menace. I’m actually hoping trump will be back in the hospital by the time this is published and dissolves in a puddle of incapacitated distress never to be heard from again.
So — yeah. My life is covered in bees. School ends at Thanksgiving, a felon may be moving into my neighborhood and this national handbasket we are in is getting a bit toasty for my taste. Hang in there, folks, it’s going to be a long slow grind to Jan 20th.